In the barren wasteland that is my dating life popped up an unexpected oasis. A girl from BioE, that major which we all know and love, has been turning up the heat recently. Usually, in my infinite wisdom and self-assuredness, I calmly ignore these things, an the girl moves on and we stay friends or drift apart, but the pressure is over and life goes on, unabated, unencumbered, and unattached. Or detached, depending on how you look at it. Well, this time it has turned out a little bit different.
This girl and I, lets call her Sally for anonymity’s sake, we went out to lunch yesterday. Thai food — it was good, and the company too. Despite being my dorky self (I don’t try to hide it), she didn’t seem dissuaded at all. So tonight, I invited her to the dinner I had planned with Alex, Courtney & company. We went to Firenze, an Italian Restaurant at Crossroads in Bellevue. Once again the food was good and the company superb. Although I’m sure Sally felt a little bit out of the loop when we got off on topics about our high school days, she put up with it well and gave me a nice treat to finish off the day — though how I handled it was less than superb, I assure you. It was unexpected, and I am not well practiced.
So thats one side of the story. The other side is the civil war that is erupting inside my mind over all of this. Representatives of the warring factions are:
1) I haven’t achieved a desirable level of comfort with Sally yet, where hanging out with her feels natural and relaxing. Now, I don’t know if this is simply because its been too long since I was last here, or if my gut is really telling me something important, or if I just need more time to get into the groove, but I’m not going to lie — I don’t have good vibes about the future right now.
2) Listening to these nagging doubts has certainly kept me out of trouble, but who is to say it hasn’t simply kept me out of the entire game? After all, avoiding crashing and burning can be a result of careful driving (and then not always) or, with a 100% success rate, by not driving at all. Considering my very high “success” rate as of late, and just being honest with myself, I really haven’t been in the game at all.
3) If I’m really this unsure, what are my obligations for remaining a decent human being to avoid hurting the other person involved here? This is not to say she isn’t coming into this knowing full well what she is getting herself in to — but still, I don’t want be here later knowing that I dragged this out when it really wasn’t going to work out, and I should have known better.
4) Finally, maybe all my reservations are only because I’m dumb and cowardly, and backing out now would be a waste of a wonderful opportunity. I’ll admit, for me, liking the girl who is already safely taken is a lot easier than liking the girl who is available, ready, and willing. The former means admiration from afar without overt action; the later means performance right here and right now. Maybe I’ve just built up such a resistance to this stuff that I think I don’t like someone as much just because they are available.
I want to think that just being myself, something will just work out. That it will be easy, seem natural, and everything will just operate smoothly and be simple and all that. But probably thats not how it really works. Probably this sort of thing is as close as it comes. Maybe I should embrace it. Or maybe I should run away screaming.