Checksum Arcanius

Written one month ago. Reread today. Posted unedited, except for this preface.

In the early AM of March 21st, 2007, in her car, we finally broke down and kissed, despite her having a boyfriend at the time. After that, it was somewhat of a whirlwind, with plenty of fun, but also constant ups and downs. Then I got sick, and the fun ended. All that was left was the ups and downs. And more downs than ups.

Instead of feeling inspired to be and do my best as I had at the beginning, I felt despised, like nothing I could do was good enough. I wanted to give her everything, but everything turned into a constant stream of missteps. I never understood how the fights started. Everything seemed so irrelevant, but then it was suddenly the most important thing ever. It was easy for me to get defensive; hard for me to take it; impossible for me to do the right thing. As suddenly as it started, it could end, but with each new incident the crack became a divide, and then it became a chasm.

At first I thought I simply didn’t remember things correctly, that something was wrong with me. But I started paying more attention, and it felt like I was being set up. I would be tired and take her home, which turned into me kicking her out. I would be reluctant to do something and it turned into me being mean. I started to wonder if it was all just a ploy, some sort of power struggle. I thought back to right before we first kissed: she had been crying, I felt bad. Those times were hard on her; hard on both of us. Probably not the best way to start a relationship built on trust. But I didn’t want a relationship based on games, so I kept trying. But I was drowning.

The little things that I would never consider became points of contention. Some of them turned into big things, or vanished as quickly as they came up, leaving me more than a little dazed and confused. Things that were meant to be playful somehow turned hurtful. So much energy was spent trying to figure out how to do it right, but I’m still not sure if I could have done anything differently, given who I am and what I knew at the time. I don’t agree with feeling bad about making honest mistakes. Live, learn, and move on a better person is what I try to do.

So, when things started to go badly, at first I thought I was growing. Learning about how to be a better person, how to treat her in a way that worked. But it didn’t get better. The cycle repeated, and sometimes it got really bad. I don’t respond well to abuse. I didn’t want to reward the behavior either. At that point, my reaction offered garnered as much attention as the original issue; an issue that I often still didn’t completely understand.

I often wondered what I could do to take it back to how it had been, when being with her energized me and made me want to be a better person, instead of leaving me confused and drained. I’m not sure if there was anything I could do. I think somehow she changed, or at least the dynamic between us has changed. I don’t feel like there’s anything else I can do.

And usually as this point in a relationship, I would call it quits. I would weigh the pros and cons and the cons would add up. I would take a long time to recover, but it wouldn’t be at all a bad time. I would strengthen many other relationships, work harder, get better grades, find comfort in my strengths. But this time its different. This time I don’t want to give up. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I think I fell in love with her.

Are boring and dark.

After two days of room-hopping at the 2007 CRS Conference, I have seen two presentations that I considered worthwhile: one by a German scientist about flavor encapsulation, and a second by a guy working with a company that has developed transdermal drug patches with the unique twist of perforating the skin before applying the patch, allowing drug delivery rates and properties that rival intravenous injection. So, two days, two useful talks. Not the best rate…

So instead of putting up with more dark rooms and poor speakers, I decided to return to my hotel room, watch some TV, do some homework, surf the web, and rest. It was nicer, though a little lonely. Fortunately, Dan called with news of the Toronto International Film Festival, which I will be attending in early September. It looks like we’ll be aiming for a 50-movie package if we are able to split the tickets among the three of us (Dan, Scott, and Ryan).

But I’m doing alright, so don’t worry.

Context?

I woke up late and had no Capstone class today, so I went to work after my Networks class. As has become my custom when going to work in the afternoon, I took the 545 bus across the lake and then biked from the Bear Creek Park and Ride to Microvision. At work, I found a bug in the scanner that was mistaken for a bug in the ATF code; then I tightened up the ATF code a little anyway. After finishing up, I decided to bike home since most of my testing duties are on hold until additional units arrive.

I left work a little after 7:00, and started what I consider the real trip at 7:15, on the Sammamish River Trail heading North. Somewhere around Kenmore, the same trail becomes the Burke-Gilman Trail and heads back down to Seattle. The ride was very nice, but still challenging, as I was pushing myself. I completed the approximately 25 miles in about 1:45 before stopping at Safeway for some groceries. I think I could go somewhat faster on my road bike, as I feel that I lose a lot of energy to the shocks, larger tires, and more pliant frame of the mountain bike that I generally take to school. Oh, also, I’m always clipped in when I take the road bike, whereas I am only rarely clipped in on the mountain bike (which has dual platform/spd pedals).

Along the way, I passed the park where I started a geocaching expedition several years ago as well as numerous walkers, roller-bladers, and cyclists. A number of cyclists also passed me — I am pretty sure I was the swifted mountain bike on the trail, however. Somewhere past the halfway mark, I came across an area where a vast expanse of Lake Washington was visible with the Olympic mountains in the background. It was beautiful, but I didn’t think to take a picture at the time.

Once I got home, I made myself a burger for dinner — its been a long time since I’ve done that. It was quite good. I then settled in to watch the Mariners finish beating the Red Sox. A good day indeed.

After a few days back at work, I took the day off to finish off the Spring quarter right — with a Bioengineering Juniors (now Seniors!) barbeque after Dave’s Birthday Hike with Larry and Greg. The hike was great — we officially conquered Mount Defiance. The last I went on was Mount Si back during spring break, and it rained on us pretty hard that day. Thursday, it didn’t rain quite as hard, but it was still wet. Nevertheless, we all had a great time winding our way across and sometimes straight up the mountain. We took the main trail up (until it was covered entirely by snow, when we started improvising and going straight up), but Larry and Dave knew about a semi-secret older trail that followed the stream from the lake down the mountain. We found it and took it, and the experience was nothing short of incredible. The padded ground cover on the more forested, less traveled trail was nice for coming down as well. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pictures of the second half of the trip because my camera batteries died on the way up (way to not change them Ryan!)

As far as timing, we left Sunset Elementary just after 6:00 am, started hiking not too long after 7:00, peaked around 10:30, and were out not long after 1:00. I managed to make it to the barbecue afterwards, but I was spent and fell sound asleep not long after 9:00 that night.

Intentions don’t count in this game.