Checksum Arcanius

Written one month ago. Reread today. Posted unedited, except for this preface.

In the early AM of March 21st, 2007, in her car, we finally broke down and kissed, despite her having a boyfriend at the time. After that, it was somewhat of a whirlwind, with plenty of fun, but also constant ups and downs. Then I got sick, and the fun ended. All that was left was the ups and downs. And more downs than ups.

Instead of feeling inspired to be and do my best as I had at the beginning, I felt despised, like nothing I could do was good enough. I wanted to give her everything, but everything turned into a constant stream of missteps. I never understood how the fights started. Everything seemed so irrelevant, but then it was suddenly the most important thing ever. It was easy for me to get defensive; hard for me to take it; impossible for me to do the right thing. As suddenly as it started, it could end, but with each new incident the crack became a divide, and then it became a chasm.

At first I thought I simply didn’t remember things correctly, that something was wrong with me. But I started paying more attention, and it felt like I was being set up. I would be tired and take her home, which turned into me kicking her out. I would be reluctant to do something and it turned into me being mean. I started to wonder if it was all just a ploy, some sort of power struggle. I thought back to right before we first kissed: she had been crying, I felt bad. Those times were hard on her; hard on both of us. Probably not the best way to start a relationship built on trust. But I didn’t want a relationship based on games, so I kept trying. But I was drowning.

The little things that I would never consider became points of contention. Some of them turned into big things, or vanished as quickly as they came up, leaving me more than a little dazed and confused. Things that were meant to be playful somehow turned hurtful. So much energy was spent trying to figure out how to do it right, but I’m still not sure if I could have done anything differently, given who I am and what I knew at the time. I don’t agree with feeling bad about making honest mistakes. Live, learn, and move on a better person is what I try to do.

So, when things started to go badly, at first I thought I was growing. Learning about how to be a better person, how to treat her in a way that worked. But it didn’t get better. The cycle repeated, and sometimes it got really bad. I don’t respond well to abuse. I didn’t want to reward the behavior either. At that point, my reaction offered garnered as much attention as the original issue; an issue that I often still didn’t completely understand.

I often wondered what I could do to take it back to how it had been, when being with her energized me and made me want to be a better person, instead of leaving me confused and drained. I’m not sure if there was anything I could do. I think somehow she changed, or at least the dynamic between us has changed. I don’t feel like there’s anything else I can do.

And usually as this point in a relationship, I would call it quits. I would weigh the pros and cons and the cons would add up. I would take a long time to recover, but it wouldn’t be at all a bad time. I would strengthen many other relationships, work harder, get better grades, find comfort in my strengths. But this time its different. This time I don’t want to give up. Somewhere in the midst of it all, I think I fell in love with her.

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